There are the saddened times when I wondered who I was? Even throughout the good times and happy times of raising little babies, and serving as a housewife...I would question my identity. Who am I? Am I only a mother? Am I only a homemaker? Am I only a house cleaner? Am I only a PTA member? Am I only Enrichment Leader, Sunday School Teacher? Am I only a stay at home mom who likes to do crafts? Am I only a cook, baker, chef? I think partly of my identity loss was because of the dysfunctional marriage that I was in. I never quite felt at peace at whatever I was doing. I felt as if I was never doing enough...or maybe doing too much, or doing the wrong thing...like, "Why did I spend $9.00 at Wal Mart?" I was questioned for life skills that I thought were perfectly natural, like buying baby supplies at Wal Mart. I began to question myself on making decisions. After a period of time, I didn't know what was okay and what wasn't. I began to have so much self-doubt. There was this particular time when we were living in Kentucky that I was the lowest of lows. I felt invaluable. I knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn't define what it was. I had beautiful children. I loved being their mother. I had high profile church callings... I took care of myself and thought that I was somewhat "attractive". But, I had been told over and over that "I was messed up, that I needed help, that nobody liked me, even my own father didn't want me...I was told that I was a lazy a_ _. Each day for months on end, I was told that I a f*****g B***h. In the evenings when the screaming would begin, I would either leave so the kids wouldn't have to hear the yelling and name calling, or I would try to go to the bedroom and lock the door, where the screaming would continue and follow me no matter where I went, and yes, the kids could still hear it from the bedroom. It was a no-win situation. There was no stopping or controlling the verbal abuse that went on .... Was I messed up? You bet I was!
This one particular time of getting in my car and leaving from the escape of the name calling...that I drove over to my Relief Society Presidents house, ... she became a good friend of mine. First, let me back this up....before I went to Elizabeth Goodsells home, I sat in an empty parking lot crying. I prayed and cried out loud asking Heavenly Father "How can I go on?" Where can I go for help? What is wrong with me that makes a man who loves me so, much so mad at me all the time?? At this time of crying alone in my car, my cell phone rang---it was Elizabeth. At this point I told Eliz that I was sitting in a parking lot, questioning my existence... Elizabeth came to me in a heart beat. She asked me to come to her home where we could sit outside and talk. "Elizabeth, I asked, What's wrong with me?" ---- "Oh, Honey, she said....nothing is wrong with you, you are an amazing person...." ...This was the beginning of one of the most "life-saving" triumphs. --- Months later-----After a grueling separation, and while trying to come to agreements of finalizing a divorce. I met a sensitive man who listened to me. He cried with me. Sometimes he just said "nothing". One late night, as we talked on the phone, We had this very long distance friendship~(I was in Sandy, Utah, he lived in Lindale, Texas. ) I very solemnly labeled myself. "I don't know who I am?" I felt alone, lost, and didn't know if I belonged anywhere or to anyone. Silence was mostly on the other line, when I poured out my heart...who am I? The next day, when I opened up my e-mail, this was what I found...from my friend, who listened and cared and who is now my soul mate.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARDY------- Do You Know Who You Are?-------------
You're a woman of determination and strength.
To Kelby and Garrison... you're the world, you're all they have to call "family". They look to you for strength and support in an unstable time of transition. You are their comfort and security. They depend on you for everything. ... and they love you!! You force yourself to be strong for them.
To your "adult" kids ... you're the woman who was their mother. You nurtured them and spoiled them and gave them everything you could possibly give them. You smothered them with love and service and charity and you embodied everything that was ever defined as "Mother". They have temporarily gone brain dead and are dwelling on the pain of the present, but I believe in their hearts they know of their mother's love and will find a way back into your embrace.
To people who know you... you are amazing. You've done the impossible and made it look easy. You are a survivor, someone who believed in herself and made up her mind to no longer be the victim of a controlling abusive relationship. You set your mind to autopilot and took yourself out of that situation, "loaded up the truck" and moved 1000 miles away. You still deal with the effects of that move and are still struggling with the consequences of that decision, but life moves you forward and you make the best of everyday that you can. You do what you have to do each and every day.
To Heavenly Father... you are his daughter. He loves you and knows you and watches over you. Sometimes you feel like you are alone in the world with your trials, but he knows you and knows your pain. He hears your prayers and blesses you. Maybe you don't always recognize the way he blesses, but he does. He won't fix your problems for you but will help you and support you as you work your way through them. He's given you strength to make it this far and won't abandon you.
To me... You are the most complete and beautiful woman I've ever known. You are the total package. No one has ever made me laugh, shared so much pleasure and joy, and made me feel so wonderful about myself as you have. I feel overwhelmed with emotion as I think about you being so far away, and beyond my ability to help you on a daily basis. I've never felt the desire to love, support, and serve someone the way I feel toward you. You have a good heart and a spiritual side that compliments the fun and crazy side. You enjoy life and you enjoy love. You deserve all the happiness that life can offer you. You've paid your dues, you've done all those things that you were supposed to do over the years for your family and now it's your turn. You've also been hurt and controlled and you are cautious and sensitive. I am imperfect and sometimes I say things that put you into "defense" mode. I never want to do anything to give you a reason to want to pull away from me. I want to build a relationship with you out of trust and love. One that grows deeper each day and makes us stronger individually. I need to focus on building you up and making you feel like the most important woman alive, the woman you are to me. I need you to be patient and forgiving. I just plain need you.
Ardy, do you know who you are?.. You are the woman I love. ---Brian
You're a woman of determination and strength.
To Kelby and Garrison... you're the world, you're all they have to call "family". They look to you for strength and support in an unstable time of transition. You are their comfort and security. They depend on you for everything. ... and they love you!! You force yourself to be strong for them.
To your "adult" kids ... you're the woman who was their mother. You nurtured them and spoiled them and gave them everything you could possibly give them. You smothered them with love and service and charity and you embodied everything that was ever defined as "Mother". They have temporarily gone brain dead and are dwelling on the pain of the present, but I believe in their hearts they know of their mother's love and will find a way back into your embrace.
To people who know you... you are amazing. You've done the impossible and made it look easy. You are a survivor, someone who believed in herself and made up her mind to no longer be the victim of a controlling abusive relationship. You set your mind to autopilot and took yourself out of that situation, "loaded up the truck" and moved 1000 miles away. You still deal with the effects of that move and are still struggling with the consequences of that decision, but life moves you forward and you make the best of everyday that you can. You do what you have to do each and every day.
To Heavenly Father... you are his daughter. He loves you and knows you and watches over you. Sometimes you feel like you are alone in the world with your trials, but he knows you and knows your pain. He hears your prayers and blesses you. Maybe you don't always recognize the way he blesses, but he does. He won't fix your problems for you but will help you and support you as you work your way through them. He's given you strength to make it this far and won't abandon you.
To me... You are the most complete and beautiful woman I've ever known. You are the total package. No one has ever made me laugh, shared so much pleasure and joy, and made me feel so wonderful about myself as you have. I feel overwhelmed with emotion as I think about you being so far away, and beyond my ability to help you on a daily basis. I've never felt the desire to love, support, and serve someone the way I feel toward you. You have a good heart and a spiritual side that compliments the fun and crazy side. You enjoy life and you enjoy love. You deserve all the happiness that life can offer you. You've paid your dues, you've done all those things that you were supposed to do over the years for your family and now it's your turn. You've also been hurt and controlled and you are cautious and sensitive. I am imperfect and sometimes I say things that put you into "defense" mode. I never want to do anything to give you a reason to want to pull away from me. I want to build a relationship with you out of trust and love. One that grows deeper each day and makes us stronger individually. I need to focus on building you up and making you feel like the most important woman alive, the woman you are to me. I need you to be patient and forgiving. I just plain need you.
Ardy, do you know who you are?.. You are the woman I love. ---Brian
